where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish I only lived at night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
