You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
