chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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