Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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