Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
