PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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