hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
