i think i have two assholes
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
