My friends, they love my intelligence
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
