Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize