very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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