I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
