Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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