It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize