So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
