Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
