how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
