you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
