My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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