Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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