Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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