Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
