There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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