The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
