11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
