you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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