after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
