I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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