I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
