She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
