went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
