brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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