I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
