her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
