Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So vagazzling was a success
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
