Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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