this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
