ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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