so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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