Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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