He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
