Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
