Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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