Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize