I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
