dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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