My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize