Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
