I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
