Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
