nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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