omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
