I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
