Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
