You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
