Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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