is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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