the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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