nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
