i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
