i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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