Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
