The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
