she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
