She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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