i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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