i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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