My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
