It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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