After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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