Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
