it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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